as your life flashes by.

2009-05-17

was talking to a friend on my way home yesterday. kinda something i thought up recently, but it was the first time i actually put it in words. i think, it kinda defines the way i do things nowadays.

it isn't really very firm, but i kinda believe that my life will really flash by my eyes right before i die. well, at least i would like it to be so. also because i have no idea if memories are still around after death.

if it were to really happen, what would i like to see? it'll be as if, i were watching a movie "My life".

i'd like to:

laugh, at the stupid things i did. probably will have a lot.

smile, at all the moments of fondness.

"beh", at the sad moments. or maybe tear. or maybe cry.

curse, at regrettable moments. and probably feel like slapping myself.

be amazed, at how long i spent studying.

be glad, at the number of years studying. mainly because over ~15 years i got to know many people, and do many things. the content of education is secondary.

but still feel content/dumb, that whatever i studied was useful/useless.

lament, at the fact that i probably can't play tennis/do photography/dive anymore. probably with any other hobbies. though tennis and diving would probably be not possible if i lived a long life.

smile like an idiot, at memories of my wedding day. assuming i get married. i hope i do. i hope i don't die single.

Assuming i get married:

love my wife even more, for being with me.

once again, laugh, smile, curse, etc, at various points of the relationship.

be regretful, that i can't spend anymore time with her. assuming i die first. i hope it isn't a together thing.

laugh out tears of relief again, as i see the birth of my child. assuming i have any. i hope i do.

laugh, at the whole process of them growing up, as i did mine.

feel proud, that they grow up to be great adults. i hope they do.

smile again, on their wedding day/when i get a grandchild, if it happens.

then fast-forward my old age. if i live that long. haha!

then,

count, the number of people i knew over my lifetime.

count, the number of people i know the names of at my last moments.

then count, the years i know them. and see what's the proportion of them in the in the first list.

and make a little list, of the ones who knew me for more than ___decades.

give a mini applaud to those who know me more than 30 years. once again if i live that long.

and thank them for putting up with me for so long. though someone might say 4 years is a feat by itself. haha!

and finally be glad, that i will be remembered. may not be a forever thing, but otherwise it's the worst, and most fearful, in my opinion, if it didn't happen.

well, not sure if i can come up with anymore. might probably add more if i do.

and at the very end, probably will give a standing ovation to myself. i owe it to my ultimate buay hiao bai-ness for that.

cry, because i'll never have a second shot at it again.

but also laugh at the same time, because, that's the whole beauty about it, and i would think that it had been a wonderful one.

and finally, laugh/smile at my last moments.

am i a pessimist? i don't think so. in fact, i think this is portrays the fear of death more than anything else. i guess the tuesdays with morrie quote really stuck with me for quite long. and probably cos i am still very amazed at the difference in mentality with some of the people i know.

a bit disturbing a question, but how would you like to die?

tj. wrote at 12:24 a.m.